Perhaps this would be an end to everything, the dreams n hopes n excitement for the past 2 months... since bearbear entered my life. I've never been an optimist, would rather be a pessimist n hope for the worst so that i would at least have a buffer should unpleasant stuffs happen.
my self confidence is at a new low, cos of my bad eating habits... so unprepared for my FIRST DATE! Perhaps it's the stress that's causing me to eat that much? the stress bout meeting up with bear bear? the stress that's causing me to fall sick?
I console myself by saying... if this guy were not to be interested in meeting me cos i'm fat and ugly, then he's not worth me keeping.... guess i have this phobia of falling in love... this insecurity that i'm not lovable and thus cannot sustain a r/s... Been obsessed with some guys, only to back out when they got more serious and expressed their feelings/ initiated a date... the fear of getting hurt is far more powerful then the desire to get hitched...
Thus, been eating lots to make myself as unattractive as possible... been neglecting to take care of myself so as not to carry this r/s further??? maybe i'm destinied to live my life alone, n to continue to dream of this knight who will sweep me off my feet....
Bought something for bearbear.... it'll be an apt parting gift... for all the joy he has brought to my life... i really really wish him all the best, and that he'll find someone really suited for him... i know i will read abt him in the papers someday, a successful person, and being featured with his lovely wife and adorable kids, I will be glad that i had once knew him, via the phone and internet....I've decided not to live in my dream bubble any further, i will take the courage to step out n meet him for dinner. then he can get on with his life and me.... with mine....
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